honesty to clusterfuck

i was so close to taking your hand, to telling you "vänta". to kissing you,

                                      before you could walk away from me. i was so close to go from clusterfuck to honesty and then right back to clusterfuck.

                                      i threw up behind a white public building and you walked by, (i periferin, i drömmen, i lämna mig föralltid). you don't know it, but you've educated me. you told me things nobody else would tell. you gave way to ways nobody else would take. and like the second most educating thing in my life, school, you gave me terrible head aches. the migraines would pulsate through my body. everything would hurt me. the light (your laugh). the colors (your intensive eyes locked on mine). the voices of strangers (that you don't do drugs). the voices of friends (bob dylan).

                                      still lost and still a clusterfuck. never went as far as honesty.